


Dante’s Prayer

by Chamaelirium



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, I’ll add more tags as I go, I’m pretty much useless at tags, Post TROS, Rey Needs A Hug, but by damn this will have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22001569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chamaelirium/pseuds/Chamaelirium
Summary: What really happens when one half of your soul is violently torn from you?
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter One

When the dark wood fell before me  
And all the paths were overgrown  
When the priests of pride say there is no other way  
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see  
Though you came to me in the night  
When the dawn seemed forever lost  
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean  
Cast your soul to the sea  
When the dark night seems endless  
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me  
By the deep well of desire  
From the fountain of forgiveness  
Beyond the ice and the fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean  
Cast your soul to the sea  
When the dark night seems endless  
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone  
How fragile is the heart  
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly  
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart  
Lift this mortal veil of fear  
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears  
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean  
Cast your soul to the sea  
When the dark night seems endless  
Please remember me  
Please remember me (Dante’s Prayer, Lorena McKennitt) 

________________________________________

In the time that followed afterwards, Rey never allowed herself to crumble. She had walked through the people joyously celebrating as though in a dream, hardly able to comprehend why she was being patted on the back and people were calling her name. 

Even when Finn and Poe had embraced her, the walls she had hastily built around the deep, gaping wound in her soul held. They held through the speeches, the feast, the dancing and celebrations that lasted for what felt like years. 

In the quiet before the dawn she slipped away. Silently she wove through the mostly sleeping revellers, heading for the ship she had landed in less than 24 hours before. Engines whining, it rose through the canopy and within moments, had jumped into hyperdrive. Hardly aware of where she was going, Rey flew through the snowstorm of streaking stars, dropping out of light speed only when the map on her console alerted her that she was near. 

Coming through the atmosphere, the rounded huts of Ach-To were soon visible through the clouds. She carefully avoided the side of the island where she had crashed recently, intending at the time to make her stay permanent. Caretakers and porgs alike scattered at her approach as she landed where the Milennium Falcon had once stood. 

It was early evening here, and the mist was becoming thicker as the air cooled. Stopping only to grab a small, dark bundle of fabric from the cockpit, Rey barely felt the cold as she half ran, half stumbled up the paths and made her way to the small buildings that lay on the hillside. 

In the time she had been gone, the Caretakers had managed to rebuild the hut where she had slept, waiting and hoping that Luke would teach her what she needed to know to control the power that had been bubbling up inside her. Where she and Ben had... 

She paused at the door, hand resting on the cold stone, unable to take those last steps inside now that she was here. The wind was picking up now, driving the mist in swirls around her body, and she began to shiver, which finally drove her inside. She pushed her way through the rough, homespun door curtain. Dark, and almost colder than it had been outside. 

Rey felt her way along the walls until she found the hard, stone bed. Her legs gave way at last and she collapsed forward onto it. It was though the strength that had kept her going now left her limp, all resources spent on keeping the wall inside in place and unmoving. It collapsed now, crumbled into pieces, and the grief flooded in, overwhelming her like a black wave. 

Her whole body folded into itself, the grief tearing through her in agonising sobs which emerged almost as one continuous scream. Hot tears burned tracks down her face, soaking into the bundle of clothing she held now against her face. Rey felt as though every cell in her body was keening, as though her heart had been completely torn from her body and thrown into an endless abyss. 

The memories flooded in now - how she had stood before Palpatine, fear and hatred vying for dominance, and trying not to give in to either of them. How he had mocked her, encouraging her to give in to her hate. She had felt Ben’s presence the moment he landed on the planet and he reached out with the bond, feeling the fear in his heart for her, but also his determination to find her and keep her safe. The relief had rushed through her, and she fought to keep it from Palpatine. Her grandfather. The first family she had known in years, somebody who should have loved and protected her, but who only wanted to destroy. 

She had felt him coming nearer, sensed his determination even as he was surrounded by his former Knights, and was able to use the acute knowledge of his whereabouts to send the lightsaber to him. His grandfathers lightsaber, the one they had fought over on Starkiller, and then fought together with to defeat Snoke. 

He had come to her, against all odds, and they had stood together. Palpatine draining them both of their life force had not broken the bond between them, it had not lessened their determination even as it had turned their bodies into limp rags. Although she had despaired when Ben was thrown into the pit, she had felt the bond between them still, and knew he lived. it gave her the strength she needed to call on the other Jedi Masters, and together destroy Palpatine. 

Then she knew nothing, only blackness.

The first thing she felt was warmth. It flowed through her from something - a hand? - resting on her belly. She had felt it creep through her body, limbs tingling painfully as though waking from a long sleep. Her hand moved, and found his. He was looking down into her face, eyes bright with tears and at last, here was the one she had been searching for all this time. Ben. Her Ben. The other half of her soul. They were joined by the Force, a Dyad, as Palpatine had sneered mockingly at them. Searching each other’s eyes, they saw that all barriers between them were now gone. Rey had lunged forward to capture his mouth in a kiss, and the Force had seemed to sing around them. Even in that dark place, with death and destruction all around them, the joy that had welled up in both their hearts had been uncontainable.

And then... he had slipped away from her. Even now, as she forced herself to examine what had happened in retrospect, she could hardly believe what had occurred. He was there, smiling joyfully at her and then... he was not. The agony of separation washed through her anew, and she found herself keening once more in wordless grief, clutching the small bundle of Bens’ clothes to her stomach. She was alone once more with the artefacts of lost love and family that had left her behind. Always alone.

____________________________

There must have been sleep, mercifully dreamless, that had claimed her. She slowly swam towards consciousness, aware in some peripheral way that her body was shaking with cold despite the fact that her forehead was delightfully warm, being stroked gently by... by who? Her memory struggled to reorganise itself, to place where she was, to wake fully. Her eyes opened to darkness, and yet there was a form outlined and softly glowing in that same dark, a face she knew better than she knew her own. 

“Ben,” his name came from her lips in a shocked whisper. Was this a dream then? Was her brain already playing such cruel tricks on her. It must be, he was gone, she still held his clothing tightly in her hand, the bond was...

The ache in her chest that had felt as though a hole were torn through her, was lessened a little - not disappeared entirely, but aching like an old, slow healing wound. 

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry...”

_______________________________

Rey woke with lungs heaving and sweat pouring off her in rivers. The inside of the hut was dark, empty, cold. 

She was alone.

Feeling bile rising in her throat, she lurched for the doorway, shoving through the curtain to land heavily on her knees just outside, gagging and retching. She hardly noticed the tears that had begun to stream from her eyes once more, salt burning her already raw eyelids. 

Chest heaving, stomach spasming, she fought for breath, swiping her hand first over her eyes, then her mouth. The sky that met her eyes was no longer black, but softening to grey. Heavy grey clouds were gathering off to the south, but the sky above her was clear, stars winking out one by one as she knelt and tried to regulate her frantic breathing. Some part of her brain registered that she was shivering but she ignored it. It felt like she had always been cold since she had left Jakku.


	2. Chapter Two

The Caretakers eyed her suspiciously when they arrived after the dawn. There was no chance they had forgotten her last visit, as evidenced by the way they grumbled amongst themselves at the sight of her. Rey sat numbly outside her hut, back against the stones as she tried to get what warmth she could from the rising sun. The womenfolk chattered and cooed amongst themselves as they worked, sweeping, weeding, tidying. 

The door to Luke’s hut remained closed, and Rey stared at it for a long time, wondering. Would he reappear here again, as he had the last time she had come, or was he gone now as well? Gone forever, faded into the Force like, like... 

As though someone had harshly slapped a barely healed over wound, the pain flooded through her again, not yet lessened in intensity. 

Ben. Ben.

She curled in on herself, forehead resting on her knees, and tried to cry quietly, aware that she was not alone. Her breath was wheezing from her lungs uncomfortably fast after several minutes of trying to be silent, tears smeared all over her face and nose running. She was rocking back and forth while she cried, an unconscious movement, one she had done for herself as a child when she had felt so desolately alone, like she did now. it was meant to be a comfort, like feeling the loving arms of somebody else holding you, soothing you. 

Rey jumped a little as she felt the warm weight of something settle over her shoulders. She looked up with a gasp, and saw that one of the Caretakers had dropped a coarsely woven, but very warm, blanket around her shoulders. It was difficult to tell, but Rey thought that she was the leader of the women, the one Rey had secretly thought of as the Matron when she was there last. She had voiced her disapproval at Rey and her disruptive ways many times before, leaving Rey feeling a bit like a naughty youngling. 

Now, Rey though, she could almost see pity in her face. With a scolding voice, the Matron used a corner of the blanket to wipe tears from Rey’s cheeks, and then tucked the blanket roughly around her shoulders, saying something that sounded a bit gruff and grumpy. Rey was touched by her kindness, and couldn’t help smiling a little in response. 

With a “Humph!” The Matron turned and left, going back to her work, and pointedly ignored Rey once more. Shifting until she was more comfortable, Rey sat once more, eyes closed and tears drying in the warmth of the sun. 

____________________________________________

Her days began to take on a pattern. 

When she woke with the dawn, she would dress herself - not in the white clothes she had once died in, but in clothes she had scavenged and fashioned herself - leggings in a stretchy grey fabric, with rags wrapped around her lower calves for extra warmth, undergarments that were clean but worn, a brown, long sleeved tunic. Heavy leather boots, too large but worn with two pairs of socks, blistered her feet at first but she grew accustomed to them. Over it all, Ben’s black sweater. She had put it on after returning to her hut that first morning, and without thinking too much about it, it brought her some small comfort.

It still smelled like him. The scent she had caught the first time she had awoken to find herself on the interrogation table, fear making her hyper aware. It had been a contradiction then, how anyone who was clearly her enemy could smell like comfort, and warmth, and green trees in the sun. 

When she had risen and dressed, she would wander down to the cliffs and watch the porgs wheeling around their nesting site, tumbling and whirling in the air, and try to catch her breakfast. Fishing was a bit touch and go, as she had little to no experience with it, and there were mornings she would come back empty handed, her makeshift fishing rod hanging over one shoulder. 

The Caretakers took pity on her, often leaving her a loaf or two that they baked in their little stone ovens, miniature copies of the hut she lived in. She missed the occasional meal, but still ate fair better than she had on Jakku. 

Once she had eaten, Rey had taken to wandering around the island, exploring places she hadn’t yet visited. She climbed cliffs, walked the long paths that wound around and over the hills, even lowered herself carefully over some of the less precarious cliff edges. She became accustomed to sitting quietly near certain nesting sites of the porg, watching as they interacted with each other, their screeches and cries echoing through the cool air. 

When it rained she still sat, oiled rain cloak to protect her, and simply watched. There were times she almost felt herself sinking into the very island itself, as though she were becoming part of it, or simply petrifying where she sat. Perhaps somebody in the future would sit upon her and watch the descendants of these very porg, not knowing that they sat upon what had once been a human. 

At night she returned, ate, and sat. She sat in the dark outside her hut until she couldn’t bear it any longer, then retreated inside and tried to sleep. There were some nights she would hear revelry from the nearby village and would venture down, not intruding on their celebrations but watching as the womenfolk danced with their returned men and mates. The lights were warm and bright, and the music wove its way through the night air, bright notes falling like glass drops to break at her feet. 

After a while Rey would return to her dwelling and spend the night falling in and out of restless sleep. it was as though she was back in the desert - she had slept only fitfully then, always with one ear and eye open, always waiting for the return of the ones she loved, of her family. 

Weeks turned to months, and the pain of loss had changed. No longer raw and fresh, it came and went in waves like the dull ache of an old, improperly healed wound. Sometimes it caught her unawares and she would find herself doubled over with the force of it. Sometimes it showed only as tears streaming from her eyes as she walked daily around the island, paths becoming well travelled by her feet. Her hair grew longer, now down to her waist. Never again did she tie it up into those childish buns, that she had kept all those years as a sign, as recognition, that her family would know her when they saw her, even though she had changed. 

____________________________________________

There were some places she never went on the island. 

She never went to the burned out wreck of the ancient tree. She didn’t know exactly what had happened after she left, but the sight of that huge, burned out wreck made her shudder inside. 

She never visited the temple atop the hill. With its high, lofty ceilings, floor mosaic lit by sunlight pouring through the broken roof above - she could not bring herself to sit on the platform jutting out over the sea. 

And she never went to the side of the island that housed the mirror cave. 

____________________________________________

Rey had also shut herself off from the Force. 

Not completely - for one thing, she lacked the ability to do so, had not learned from Luke how he had managed to sever himself so completely from the connection that even his force sensitive sister had no way of detecting him. 

She dulled her senses as best she could. There was no fighting with a lightsaber or anything close to it. There was no meditating (although perhaps Luke would have argued that her daily porg watching sessions were a kind of meditation), no lifting rocks, no using the power that seemed to flow from the very rocks beneath her. 

The island was humming with it - it moved in an invisible stream over the ground, in twists and turns and spirals through the air, it swelled and ebbed with the tides. Rey thought she could hear it whispering to her, during the night when she tossed and turned on the narrow stone bed. 

Rey... Rey

She awoke hollow eyed and sluggish on mornings when the voices had been particularly bad. Not for the first time she cursed the lack of knowledge she had regarding so many aspects of the Force. If only she had been able to convince Luke to share more with her, if only Leia had completed her own training and knew everything a Master should know...

It said something for her state of mind that it was only six months after she first arrived on Ach-To that it occurred to her that she might have something that could assist. 

Rey had carried few possessions with her when she crept away from those she considered friends, and fled to this planet. 

The clothes she had been wearing. The clothes... he had been wearing. Her staff. And the ancient Jedi texts, pilfered from this very island by herself, what felt like a lifetime ago. 

it seemed appropriate then, that they should have come back to their home. Rey had no way of knowing if Luke had been angry when he discovered they were gone, or if he had even noticed. She’d had a number of guilty moments about it all, even when Leia had assured her that Luke would have wanted her to have them. 

They were still in the X-wing she had flown to the island, tucked away underneath the pilots seat. Rey retrieved them and then trekked back to her hut. Perhaps there would be something more she could learn here. She felt a slight lifting of her spirits, happy in some way that she now had a goal, even as small and petty a goal as it was.


End file.
